I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
