Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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