You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
