I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
