And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
