Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
