I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Randomize
