Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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