a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
4 words: hood of his car
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
