I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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