it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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