nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
