i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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