I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
