If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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