There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
