mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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