I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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