is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
