I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You've changed since you got that strap on
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
