yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
