So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
