So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
