she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
