i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
