It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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