My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
