id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I am naked and annoyed.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize