I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
