I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
