So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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