You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
