I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
