so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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