look no pants
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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