Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
