Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
