I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
