Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
