My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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