ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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