worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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