Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
