I am in a vortex of obligation.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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