Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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