I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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