The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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