Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
