There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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