Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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