I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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