Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
