last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
